We always leave the porch light on as security lighting.  About two months ago, one of our new neighbors’ car was broken into and the GPS system (Thom Thom, not Sue Sue) was stolen.  And they had just moved into our community for less than a week.  Tragic.  My grandma would have told them that it was due to the bad Feng-Shui of the house, and my mom would have argued that it was because the mirror was facing their bed in the master bedroom.  Anyway, after that incident, I had Matt make sure that people would be blinded by our bright porch light ten miles away, so they wouldn’t even think to get close to our house.

Not tonight.

Matt left at around seven for some Halloween festivities in Fremont.  I was watching Will and Grace re-runs.  Just when I was laughing hysterically, the door bell rang.  I froze.  I could hear the kids and their parents or guardians or bodyguards.  I stopped breathing.  There was absolutely no candy in the house.  I wondered why they would pick my house for trick or treating.  The porch light!!!  Oh, noooooo. 

“What am I going to do?”  Think.  Think.  My heart was racing and pounding fiercely in my ears. 

I could open the door, throw myself at their feet and beg for forgiveness because I had no candy.  BAD IDEA.  If I opened the door with no candy, the children would probably spit on me and order their bodyguards to rip my body in half.  

I could turn the TV off and pretend that no one’s home.  BAD IDEA.  This way, they definitely knew someone was in the house.

Turn the stupid porch light off.  BAD IDEA.

I knew they could hear the TV.  They probably even heard me laughing earlier.  Damn Jack and Karen.  Well, Will and Grace were never funny. 

The door bell rang again.  The children were very persistent.  I could hear them talking and discussing.  I imagined their parents were probably telling the kids that someone was in the house but refused to open the door.  “Pee at the door, children.  Pee at their roses.” 

For what it seemed like a lifetime, they left.  At last, I could breathe.  As I walked towards the door to turn off the porch light, I hesitated.  They probably haven’t walked far away yet and would notice it when I turned the light off.  I should wait for a few more minutes.

I stood there quietly and waited patiently.  Moments later, just when I reached over and attempted to turn the light off, I heard foot steps, giggling, talking, and then the dreadful ding-dong.

Oh, God…  Take me now.

We are the 3 Spice Geishas.

I am the most demure.

Our nephew, John, in the center, is the most sensuous.

Well, somebody has to be the scary one - Matt.

Dear Carl,

I am not a lady of thousand faces, nor am I working for the FBI or CIA under some ridiculous code names.  Stop calling me different names every day.  You always get all irritated because I don’t answer you when you call.  Here’s why.  So far, you have called me, in order of frequency of use,

1. Miss Meow Meow
2. Kitty
3. Hello Kitty
4. Kiddy
5. Miss Bing Bing
6. Bang Bang 
7. Doo Doo
8. Damn Cat

Especially, Hello Kitty.  I do not, at all, look like that cat with a bow stuck on its forehead and has no mouth. 

It’s annoying.  Stop it.  You twit.

Yours,

Her Royal Highness Miss Meow Meow

Dear Matt,

Halloween is OVAH.  I want my freaking bed back.

Yours,

Her Royal Highness Miss Meow Meow

Before the tornado 

After the tornado

“How does my hair look?”

“Fabulous!  Try not to shake your head too much.  I ain’t fixing your hair all night.”

It brought back painful memories…

… 20 years ago, my family was so very poor.  My father was a drunk and gambled away all my mom’s savings.  One day, my mother couldn’t take it any more and went crazy.  All my brothers and sisters were still very little.  The responsibility to support the family fell on me.  I vowed to be a successful geisha one day so my brothers and sisters could go to school.

 … 20 years later, I am famous and can do simple math with my fingers and toes, but all my brothers and sisters are college graduates.

… and no, he’s not my customer.