I was in an intense conversation with my cousin, Angela, discussing and planning our trip to Japan in January.  I called her at work.

Me:  “Is it okay we talk this long?  Won’t they think you are goofing off?”

“Hmm… I think it’s fine, ” whispered Angela.

Me:  “Anyway, I am so confused.  All these tour packages to Japan made my head spin.  I don’t know which one to pick.”

Angela:  “Well, the expensive ones are better.  They stay in the more luxurious hotels.”

Me:  “Versus the cheap ones that offer FREE cockroaches and grudges to sleep with you in a cold dark room?  So, can you go with us?”

Angela:  “I don’t think I can.  We are having our annual company meeting in the Disney World, Hong Kong.  I will be away when you and Matt are visiting.”

Me:  “A company meeting in the Disney World?  In Hong Kong?  Where will the CEO give the speech?  On a roller coaster?  Coffee cups?”

Angela:  “Originally, they decided to have the meeting in Manila.  I was terrified.  Don’t they have terrorists there and blow things up?  I thought I was going to die.”

Me:  “Oh, Lorrrrd.  Sweet Mary and Joseph, Buddha and Hello Kitty.  Did you hear the beeping sound?  Why is there beeping noise in your office?”

Angela:  “I didn’t hear anything.  Anyway, then they changed it to Singapore, and then Shenzhen, China, and finally, Disney World, Hong Kong because rumors had it that their resort and hotel booking has not been good.  So they offered a great discount to us and lured us there.”

Me:  “Sounds like a smart decision they have made.  Too bad that you can’t go to Japan with us.  It would be so much fun if you can go.”

Beep beep beep…  Beep beep beep…

Me:  “This is annoying.  Why is there this irritating beeping noise coming from your phone or office?  How rude!”

Silence…

Me:  “heRRo?  heRRo?”

I looked at my cell phone.  How embarrassing.  I kept thinking it was the defective fire alarm in Angela’s office and was ready to offer her my smart @ss criticism about it.  It was beeping because the battery was running low.  Finally, it just died.  How humiliating!!!

Matt always tells Callie how good she is and what a smart dog she is.  Not that I am jealous or anything, I just want to find out her real IQ.  I decided to test the allegedly smart dog.

6 PM

I was in the kitchen trying to figure out what to eat for dinner.  I stood in front of the pantry for 5 minutes and found nothing I liked.   But I did see one thing I wanted - Breathbuster, Callie’s favorite.  And no!  I wasn’t going to eat it.  I was going to use it to test the intelligence of the dog.  So I called,

“Sabrina!  Sabrina!  A bisquiiiiiiit.  Sabrinaaaaaa!”

Callie ran downstairs, rushed to the kitchen and waited.

“Your name is not Sabrina, you silly goose.”  I gave her the treat anyway.

7:30 PM

I was in the kitchen again and dying due to severe hunger.  I grabbed a can of the Campbell’s Select Chicken Noodle Soup and put it in the microwave.  The 3-minute wait seemed like a lifetime and I was fading away and absolutely bored.  I got a chew stick out of the pantry and called,

“Meow Meow!!!  Meow Meow!!!  Keeeetie Keeeeetie Meow Meow!!!”

The cat was nowhere to be seen.  Shockingly, the dog showed up.  She sat there and looked up at me.

“Your name is not Meow Meow or Keeeetie.  You silly goose.”  I gave her the chew stick anyway.

8:30 PM

I needed something sweet after having the salty soup.  I got my favorite Yoplait fat free Boston cream pie flavored yogurt out of the refrigerator and a thin thin slice of chicken lunch-meat.

“Paris!  Paris!  Chickeeeeen!!!”

Callie showed up again.  She knew something was up.

“Lorrrrrd.  Your name is not Paris.  You are CALLIE.”  I gave her the chicken.

Apparently, our dog is very smart.  Her IQ must be over 200.  She can care less about what her name is or what you call her.  She knows exactly what to do to get exactly what she wants.

After putting loads after loads of wet leaves in the bags, I decided to treat myself to something special.  This was to celebrate my new life as I was not dead after dealing with the gruesome and grotesque wet leaves.  Of course, Callie’s kind “gifts” were mixed among them.  Eww…  I don’t care what Martha said or suggested in her show or magazine. 

“Give your friends a box of autumn leaves.  Their colors are vibrant.  Your friends will like them.  It’s a good thing,” said Martha. 

Quite the contrary, Martha.  “Give the people you dislike a bag of WET autumn leaves.  They look disgusting and smell like sewer.  You don’t like those people, you gross them out.  It’s a good thing,” said Carl.

So I arrived at a Korean restaurant near our house.  I opened the door.  Two women eating lunch at a table near the door turned around and stared at me.  No one else was in the restaurant.  I assumed they were the owners.  Their expression said it all - both mouths opened, rice fell from the corner of their mouths, chopsticks pointed nowhere in particular in the air.  They were totally in shock as if I walked in stark naked.

Me:  “heRRo…”

My brain:  “Sh#t!  I hope they didn’t notice.”

Me:  “heLLooo!!!  Are you open?”

Lady Kim (I don’t really know if her name is Kim.  However, it seems every other Korean’s name is Kim.):  “Yes, we are opooooon.”  One more rice fell from the corner of her mouth as she spoke.

Me:  “Excellent.  Thank you.  I am starving.”

Lady Kim: “This is a Korean restaurant?!?!”

Me:  “Yes, indeed.  I like Korean food.”

Lady Kim swiftly left the table and vanished.  I stood there for a minute and thought that it should be fine if I just seated myself.  A few minutes later, Lady Kim came back with chopsticks, napkin, and a menu.  I opened the menu and began to pretend I could read it all, which contained 95% Korean.  Fortunately, 5 % was in English, mostly in numbers.

I was in luck.  The lunch special section was in English.  They were all soups.

Me:  “Eh… The lunch special here.  Are they all soups with noodles?”

Lady Kim:  “Nau!  We havu only one noodle,” she pointed at the item on the menu, “other items havu rice.  If you orda noodle, it doesn’t come wifu rice.”

Me:  “Oh, thank you.  So, #5, the spicy tofu soup comes with rice and anything else?”

Lady Kim:  “Yes!  It is spicy.”

Me:  “Good.  I like spicy food.  Does it come with rice only?  Anything else?”

Lady Kim:  “Aw, it has some side dishes.”

Me:  “Very good.  I’ll have #5, the spicy tofu soup.”

The food turned out to be sinfully delicious.  When you come to Washington next time, I’ll take you there.  But remember.  It only comes with rice OR noodles.

The Master did it again.  Matt transformed the house to the medieval times, built a tent in the living room, “grew” real grass in the hall way, and put together the entire fall feast.  He even MADE HIS VERY OWN royal costume and mine all BY HIMSELF.  Our guests arrived in style, fancy costumes, exotic hairdos, and ostentatious accessories.  We drank, we ate, we talked, we laughed.  It was great fun.  For our friends who were unable to fly to Washington to attend the feast, here is some of the Kodak moment…

The King.  The one and only.  I give you - MATT!!!

The King and Queen 

The King, itty bit of Callie the royal dog, and Enya??? 

Honorable Guests 

The Feast 

It only took me three hours to clean up the table and the kitchen the next day.  It took days for the KING to take down the decorations and restore the house back to its original state.  Poor King.

I had to call the credit card company to get a few things straightened out…

Joy:  “I certainly can help you with that.  But I need to AXE you some questions for security reasons.”

Me:  “Sure.  AXE away.”

Joy:  “What is your mother’s maiden name?”

Me:  “My mom?  HIS maiden name is ###”

Joy:  “Thank you.  Your date of birth?”

Me:  “JuRy, 20th, XXXX”

Joy:  “Great!  I just have one more question to AXE you and then I can make the changes for you.”

Me:  “ExceRRent!  PRease do AXE.”

Joy:  “Your billing address?”

Me:  “1490… ”

Joy:  “Great.  Let me make the changes for you.  Can you hold?”

…..

Joy:  “Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Me:  “No, that’s it.  Thanks a Rot.  Ba-Bye.”