Golden Girls… 
Blanche:  Sophia, I decided to wear this gold chain nestling ever so cunningly in my cleavage.  What other accessories do you think I need?
Sophia:  Implant!
After the Golden Girls, I called my mom…
Mom:  So, your cousin and his girlfriend were making out a few times.
Me:  How did you know?
Mom:  They were DOING IT in his room.
Me:  […]

“If you’re going to wear assless chaps, then shave your ass.  How many more times do I have to say this to the lesbian community?”

X:  I just had my cholesterol checked.
Me:  All good?
X:  No.  I am devastated.  248.  Apparently, I eat too much fatty food.
Me:  I had mine done in the hospital.  Just got my results back a few weeks ago.  208.  Borderline high, they said, and suggested that I changed my diet.  I hardly eat anything any more.  […]

Thanks, Laura. 

X:  Hellaw.  How can I help you?
 
Me:  I need to make a change of my address.
 
X:  Cerdenly.  I can help you.  What is your account numbah?
 
……
 
Me:  My new address is 555 39th Place west…
 
X:  AW-Keh.  Your addrrrrress is 555 Verrrry Nice Place West…
 
Me:  No.  Not Very Nice Place.  It’s 39th Place.
 
X:  Not verrrry nice place?
 
Me:  No.  It’s […]