Golden Girls…
Blanche: Sophia, I decided to wear this gold chain nestling ever so cunningly in my cleavage. What other accessories do you think I need?
Sophia: Implant!
After the Golden Girls, I called my mom…
Mom: So, your cousin and his girlfriend were making out a few times.
Me: How did you know?
Mom: They were DOING IT in his room.
Me: Really? YOU WERE THERE? Oops, I meant where were you?
Mom: I was in my room, of course.
Me: How rude! But how did you know? Like for sure, for sure…
Mom: I heard them.
Me: Because the bed was making the squeaky noise?
Mom: Nah. I heard the “happy” noises.
Me: Hmm… How did you know they were happy?
Mom: I hardly think they were crying and sobbing in that state.
Me: Maybe they were just whispering to each other.
Mom: I may be 70 years old but I still know what “happy” noises sound like. You twit.
“If you’re going to wear assless chaps, then shave your ass. How many more times do I have to say this to the lesbian community?”
X: I just had my cholesterol checked.
Me: All good?
X: No. I am devastated. 248. Apparently, I eat too much fatty food.
Me: I had mine done in the hospital. Just got my results back a few weeks ago. 208. Borderline high, they said, and suggested that I changed my diet. I hardly eat anything any more. What’s left for me to eat? Grass? Thanks to my high cholesterol, I may just die suddenly. Imagine one day, while I am shopping in Abercrombie and Fitch, I see a pair of sexy blue jeans with two large luring holes on the butt which I can’t squeeze myself in, I am so distraught and I just drop dead. The store teenage employees kick my corpse and try to get it out of the store so that it won’t ruin the store’s ambiance and decor. The teenage girls whisper among themselves, “OMG!!! What happened? Eww… Did he just diiieeee? He must have had a bad diet. Tsk Tsk Tsk. OMG!!! I just ate half an apple for lunch. Will I diiieeee just like him? Eww… Tsk Tsk Tsk. Monique, do horizontal stripes make me look fat?”
X: Hellaw. How can I help you?
Me: I need to make a change of my address.
X: Cerdenly. I can help you. What is your account numbah?
……
Me: My new address is 555 39th Place west…
X: AW-Keh. Your addrrrrress is 555 Verrrry Nice Place West…
Me: No. Not Very Nice Place. It’s 39th Place.
X: Not verrrry nice place?
Me: No. It’s not very nice. It’s 39th.
X: Yes. It’s Verrrrry Nice.
Me: AAAHHH! Can I speak to someone else?
X: Who do you want to speak to?
Me: Nevermind!
Click.
