Matt was brushing his teeth… Matt:  Can you look up @#$#$%$# on Google for driving directions?  We are meeting Karin for breakfast. Me:  What?  Patty’s Anus?  That is the name of the restaurant??? Matt:  PATTY’S EGGNEST.  YOU TWIT. Me:  Hahahahaha…  OMG!!!  Hahahahaha…  I began to wonder what they serve for breakfast.

Our neighbor across the street had a baby a few months ago.  One day, the wife came over to our house.  Poor John opened the door… Neighbor’s wife:  Your dog always peed in my front yard.  Can you stop that?  Your dog’s pee is contaminating my child. John:  ………………………  Bad dog, Callie!!!  Bad dog!!!

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Thanks to my mother.  Because of her stunning discovery, the top 0.5% of the men no longer have to practice unsafe sex. 

Woof, woof, woof!  Woof, woof, woof! I opened my eyes and looked at the clock.  It was 5 in the morning.  What was wrong with that damn dog?  I buried my head underneath the pillow.  Bark, bark, bark!  Bark, bark, bark! “Oh, for heaven’s sake, can someone please shut the dog up?”  I pulled the blanket [...]