After much agony and little ecstasy, the unauthorized Oprah’s Book Club has finally announced the books of the month of April, 2009:

“Ecstasy is only a hoofbeat away.”  I didn’t know horses could be THIS MAGICAL.  ”First Shocking Printing.”  Hell, indeed.  HeRRooo!  I have been going to the “toy store” since I was 15 21 and they never sell horses there.  I should sell the cat and the dog immediately, and get a horse instead.  

Hmm… I think I’d rather keep my own hairdo.

Dumas:  According to our database, I noticed that your home listing expired recently.

Me World Peace:  Recently?  It expired 6 months ago.

Dumas:  Yes, indeed.  May I ask you what your plan is right now in terms of selling the house?  Spring is the best time…

World Peace:  We have decided to stay.  We have no plan to sell.

Dumas:  I totally understand that.  May I ask you why you listed your house with the previous agents?

World Peace:  They are our friends.

Dumas:  Excuse me, sir.  What was that?

World Peace:  They are OUR FRIENDS.

Dumas:  I totally understand that.  Were you happy with their service?

World Peace:  Totally.

Dumas:  I totally understand that.  Was there anything you wish they could have done to sell your house?

World Peace:  We are in the middle of our lunch.  If you could excuse me…

Dumas:  I totally understand that.  I was just wondering if I could set up an interview with you and show you what we could do for you to sell your house.

World Peace:  No, thank you.

Dumas:  I totally understand that.  I was wondering if I could set up a follow-up phone call with you some time next month and…

World Peace:  No, thank you.  Good bye.

Dumas:  I totally understand…

Click.

I know what you are all going to say.  I is an idiot, isn’t I?  I should have hung up when he said the listing expired RECENTLY, shouldn’t I?  I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT NOW!

Master:  Can you get a t-shirt for me?

Slave:   Sure.

Slave rushed to the closet and picked out one of Master’s favorite t-shirts.  Slave hurried back to Master and handed the t-shirt over to Master humbly and cautiously.

Master:  Thanks.

Slave went back to the closet to tidy up.

Master:  Can you get me another t-shirt in a larger size?  I want to be comfortable lounging around the house.

Slave picked out another t-shirt and rushed it to Master.  Master looked happy and satisfied.

Master:  You didn’t roll your eyes when I asked for a different t-shirt, did you?

Slave:  Of course not, because I was in the closet.  If I was on my way down the stairs to the living room when you asked, I would have rolled my eyes heavenwards and IGNORED you.

Master:  Thank you.  I am glad we had that settled.

Dear Joseph and Mary,

Will I get cancer if I don’t poop everyday?  Do you think I should just take laxatives every day and get it over with so I can stop worrying?  Thank you for not making me constipated.  Good night.

It all started when Mary I needed a laxative.  She I hates it, and this time she I simply refused to take it.  I Mommy tried to force it down her me and she I sputtered it all over the carpet.  So I Mommy slapped her me and said she I was a bad girl boy.  Then came the tantrum I pooped in my pants.

And I want to make lots and lots of babies!!!  And world peace, of course.

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