After much agony and little ecstasy, the unauthorized Oprah’s Book Club has finally announced the books of the month of April, 2009:

“Ecstasy is only a hoofbeat away.” I didn’t know horses could be THIS MAGICAL. ”First Shocking Printing.” Hell, indeed. HeRRooo! I have been going to the “toy store” since I was 15 21 and they never sell horses there. I should sell the cat and the dog immediately, and get a horse instead.

Hmm… I think I’d rather keep my own hairdo.
Dumas: According to our database, I noticed that your home listing expired recently.
Me World Peace: Recently? It expired 6 months ago.
Dumas: Yes, indeed. May I ask you what your plan is right now in terms of selling the house? Spring is the best time…
World Peace: We have decided to stay. We have no plan to sell.
Dumas: I totally understand that. May I ask you why you listed your house with the previous agents?
World Peace: They are our friends.
Dumas: Excuse me, sir. What was that?
World Peace: They are OUR FRIENDS.
Dumas: I totally understand that. Were you happy with their service?
World Peace: Totally.
Dumas: I totally understand that. Was there anything you wish they could have done to sell your house?
World Peace: We are in the middle of our lunch. If you could excuse me…
Dumas: I totally understand that. I was just wondering if I could set up an interview with you and show you what we could do for you to sell your house.
World Peace: No, thank you.
Dumas: I totally understand that. I was wondering if I could set up a follow-up phone call with you some time next month and…
World Peace: No, thank you. Good bye.
Dumas: I totally understand…
Click.
I know what you are all going to say. I is an idiot, isn’t I? I should have hung up when he said the listing expired RECENTLY, shouldn’t I? I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT NOW!
Master: Can you get a t-shirt for me?
Slave: Sure.
Slave rushed to the closet and picked out one of Master’s favorite t-shirts. Slave hurried back to Master and handed the t-shirt over to Master humbly and cautiously.
Master: Thanks.
Slave went back to the closet to tidy up.
Master: Can you get me another t-shirt in a larger size? I want to be comfortable lounging around the house.
Slave picked out another t-shirt and rushed it to Master. Master looked happy and satisfied.
Master: You didn’t roll your eyes when I asked for a different t-shirt, did you?
Slave: Of course not, because I was in the closet. If I was on my way down the stairs to the living room when you asked, I would have rolled my eyes heavenwards and IGNORED you.
Master: Thank you. I am glad we had that settled.
Dear Joseph and Mary,
Will I get cancer if I don’t poop everyday? Do you think I should just take laxatives every day and get it over with so I can stop worrying? Thank you for not making me constipated. Good night.


It all started when Mary I needed a laxative. She I hates it, and this time she I simply refused to take it. I Mommy tried to force it down her me and she I sputtered it all over the carpet. So I Mommy slapped her me and said she I was a bad girl boy. Then came the tantrum I pooped in my pants.
And I want to make lots and lots of babies!!! And world peace, of course.
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