Me:  Mom, why don’t you get a cordless phone?

Mom:  But I like this phone.  I’ve been using it for the past 15 years.  It’s loud and clear.

Me:  If you get a cordless one, you don’t have to put me on hold when you want a cup of tea or a couple of cookies.  You can carry it anywhere and we can still talk.

Mom:  …

Me:  Mom?  Are you there?

Mom:  What a great idea!!!  Then we can talk even when I go to the bathroom.

Me:  Eeewwwww… THAT you should put me on hold.

Mom:  It’s not like you can smell anything.

Me:  Keep the old phone.  You are absolutely right.  It’s loud and clear.  There’s nothing wrong with it.  Keep it.

Where have you been?

My laptop crashed.  I got the blue screen of death twice, so I decided to call the tech support.

For two hours?

I know.  First, they said that my security patch was not up to date.  They updated it which took forever.  It didn’t work.  So they escalated my call to “level 4″ support.  Whatever that means.  Basically, for the rest of the two hours, I rebooted my machine 5 or 6 times.  Then, the blue screen went away.  Gone.  Sayonara.  auf Wiedersehen.

Is that it?  Just rebooting your laptop for two hours?

Yes!  It’s the best way to fix any computer problem.  REBOOT, REBOOT, REBOOT!

That’s so sad.

That’s not too bad.  Something is worse.

More problem with your ‘puter?

Before I saw the blue screen of death, I sent an email to “friends” of mine and asked them to entertain me because I was dying.  I WAS BORED TO THE TEETH.  At least, I thought they were “friends” of mine.  Guess how many emails I got back after I was gone for two hours?

Fifty?

EIGHT!  Three of them were from you asking me where I was.  The other five were not worth reading at all.  None of them replied and sent me funnies or gossips.

Nobody likes you.

THANK YOU!  I might as well go kiss a pig and get the pig influenza.

I don’t feel well.

Me:  Swine Flu!!!  My throat hurts too and I also have an ear ache.

Definitely symptons of Swine Flu.

Me:  Let’s go home.  It’s for their own good and the public health.  They should thank us for not being here at work.

Indeed!

Me:  The bosses will never let us go.  They’ll just force us to wear the damn masks like Jason from Friday the 13th.

What time is it?

Me:  8:30 AM.

We are gonna die.

Me:  I know.  It’s only 8:30 AM.  It’s going to be a slow agonizing death for us.

She certainly can sing.  Besides, someone already gave her a total make over.  A world concert tour is the most logical next step.

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I decided to stand near my car and watch.  I parked in a corner spot.  Well, almost.

First came a BMW, moving very very slowly.  The driver made a beeline for the first row and luckily found a parking spot right outside of the door to the gym.  I was ready to roll my eyes if a six-foot-four muscle gym rat came out of the BMW.  The moment of the truth was imminent.  My heart was pounding in my ears.  Ta-da.  A grandmother looking lady came out of the car and without a walker!  Whew!  OK.  This one was fine.  She could park there.

Soon another car entered the parking lot.  It also made a beeline for the first row but the old lady already took the only spot available.  The car continued to move slowly.  When she got closer to me, she apparently was not happy about the several empty spots near where I parked.   She moved on.  A few minutes later, she came back to where I was again and still couldn’t find a spot that was royal enough for her.  And then she stopped.  She stopped the car right outside of the door to the gym as if she was dropping off or picking someone up.  I knew she was just waiting for a premium spot so that her poor legs didn’t have to walk on this ugly parking lot without a red carpet already rolled out for her.  A few minutes later, a lady came out of the gym and looked like she was heading towards the 2nd row.  She followed her and liked that spot.  She waited for her to leave and then took that space.  She’d better be one hundred years old to go through all that trouble getting the spot.  It seemed as if I was waiting forever for her to get out of the car.  What the hell took her so long!  What was she doing in there?  Tick tuck, tick tuck…  There she was finally.  A twenty something young girl.  Ok.  There’s no way she can be over 40.  Unless she has had 12 emergency face lifts and liposuction procedures.

Now, forget about the parking spaces.  I was dying to know what she was going to do in the gym.  I would die if she got on a treadmill or an elliptical.  I FOLLOWED her.  After we got carded, she headed into the ladies locker room.  I walked into the little shop and pretended to look for gloves and stuff.  The curiosity was killing me.  I had to find out.  Tick tuck, tick tuck…  What the hell was she doing in there?  Looking for the closest locker to the bathroom so she didn’t have to wear a diaper?  This was agonizing.  I was running out of stuff to browse.  For heaven’s sake, why was this shop so damn small?!?!

At last, SHE APPEARED.  My heart was again pounding in my ears.  Where would she go?

May I help you?  Are you doing ok?

Me:  I am perfectly all right.

GO AWAY YOU DUMAS!!!

Are you looking for something specific?  Perhaps I can help you find it.

Me:  I am fine.  Just looking.  Thank you so much.

GO AWAY!!!

finally walked away.

Then I SAW HER!!!  SHE WAS WALKING ON A TREADMILL!!!  I wanted to walk over and scream at her - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  But I didn’t.  I thought she would scratch my eyes out and then I would cry and humiliate myself, and my mommy was not there to comfort me.