Here are my top 5 gift ideas for my dear mom on Mother’s Day:

5.  An inexpensive vacuum cleaner.

My mom doesn’t like fancy stuff.  She certainly doesn’t want me to spend $500 on a Dyson.  So a cheap one will do.  That way she can clean to her heart’s content every day.

4.  Weight Loss Kit for Dummies book.

She’s always concerned about her weight.  I really think this idea will hit the jackpot.  She’ll know what to eat and do every day to lose her belly fat.

3.  A tattoo of my face on her arm.

She will know how much I love her and she gets to look at my cute face every day.  Plus, the tattoo artist told me that she’d give her a free naval piercing too.  I TOTALLY think my 70-year-old mother will look HAWT with the new tattoo and the naval piercing.

2.  Edible panties.

You know, sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and you just need a little something to snack on.  But then you have to drag yourself all the way downstairs and raid the refrigerator.  I think that’s too much for my 70-year-old mother.  She can put on the edible panties before she goes to bed.  When she wakes up in the middle of the night, she never has to get out of the bed at all to find food.  The food is right on her body.

1.  A pregnancy test kit.

Safe sex is always very important no matter how old you are.  But just in case things don’t go as planned.  You know, Mom is getting older and can be forgetful sometimes…