Me:  As a designer, I really like to play with animal furs.  I want something stunning for my cat and it truly represents who I am as a designer.

Heidi:  Where are her boobs?  She looks like my 89-year-old grandma from Berlin.  Try my newest Victoria’s Secret push-up bra and instantly adds two-cup sizes on her.  Goodbye, flat beaches!  Hello, Bombshell!!!

Michael Kors:  WTF is this?  Did you just put a wig on a rat?

Nina Garcia:  Can you turn her around so I can see what she looks like from behind?  Oh, Buddha & Jesus’ mother.  That ass is just hideous.  I have never seen any ass uglier than this.

Heidi:  Carl!  We really wondered about your taste level.  In fact, we don’t think you have any taste.  You are OUT!  Auf wiedersehen!

Miss Meow Meow pooped on the carpet again, a foot away from the litter box.  That’s not something I wanted to see first thing in the morning after I woke up.  Walking past the disaster area, I was still half awake, but the smell immediately woke me up.  I almost fainted and rolled down the stairs.  Callie, the dog, was barking because she wanted her breakfast.  The damned cat was nowhere to be seen.  Normally, she would be meowing along while the dog was barking - both demanded to be fed first.  I fed the dog first and then started to look for her.  She was hiding underneath the couch and looking guilty.  Of course.  A lady just doesn’t poop anywhere she wants.  Otherwise, it will be like Mr. Doggy and Phyllis Church in this video…

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I walked back upstairs and held my breath while passing the unsightly scene.  I told myself to get some toilet paper from the bathroom to clean it up.  You know once you get to a certain old age, you forget things in a second.  I did get to the bathroom alright, but by then I forgot about getting the toilet paper and all.  I turned on the water and got ready for a nice hot shower.  As I was washing my non-existing hair, I remembered the whole cleaning up thing.   Being worried about forgetting it again, I began to whisper to myself non stop like some crackhead.

After I was satisfied with the cleanness of my body, I got dressed and brought lots of toilet paper with me to clean up kitty’s poop.  It was gone.  Nothing was there as if it never happened.  Callie was pretending to nap not too far away from the crime scene.  She ate it.  The silly goose ate it all.  Good doggie.  Goooooood doggie!

Callie, the dog:  How come you kept putting that damn cat on your blog, but not me?

Me:  Shush!  Silly goose.  You shouldn’t speak of Her Royal Highness like that.  Besides, we are just unworthy peasants.  I’ll try to sneak you in tonight and do a story for you on my blog.

Miss Meow Meow - Her Royal Highness:  DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Miss Meow Meow’s gentleman friend:  “I really don’t like to be disturbed when I am watching Real Housewives from New York.  Well, if you can excuse me, don’t look!  I am going to scratch you-know-where.  Oh, by the way, Carl, I have a message for you from my darling, Her Royal Highness…”

Dear Carl Unworthy Peasant,

I rarely have my gentleman friends over.  It is embarrassing when you don’t have Bud Light fully stocked.  How can I entertain my guest(s) properly when beer runs out in the middle of the soiree?  This is socially unacceptable and disgraceful.  See to it.  There won’t be a next time, or I won’t let you pat me and look at my butt.

Her Royal Highness,

Image found on carloneworld.it

Dear Carl Peasants,

Did you know I almost died today?  “Why?” you asked.  I was using my royal bathroom and I had to hold my breath for 5 minutes.  That’s why.  First, what did you put in my food to cause my pooping difficulty?  Second, clean the royal bathroom.  I almost died in there because I couldn’t even breathe.

Being this beautiful is no easy task.  Did you have any idea how long it took every single day to LICK MYSELF TO PERFECTION?!?!  And you dare to complain when I allow you to pat me and show you my butt.  I don’t see you complain when you look at other people’s asses.  How rude!  I make you happy every day by being so drop dead gorgeous.   It’s your honor to serve me.  Remember that!!!

Her Royal Highness,