Me:  As a designer, I really like to play with animal furs.  I want something stunning for my cat and it truly represents who I am as a designer. Heidi:  Where are her boobs?  She looks like my 89-year-old grandma from Berlin.  Try my newest Victoria’s Secret push-up bra and instantly adds two-cup sizes on [...]

Miss Meow Meow pooped on the carpet again, a foot away from the litter box.  That’s not something I wanted to see first thing in the morning after I woke up.  Walking past the disaster area, I was still half awake, but the smell immediately woke me up.  I almost fainted and rolled down the [...]

Callie, the dog:  How come you kept putting that damn cat on your blog, but not me? Me:  Shush!  Silly goose.  You shouldn’t speak of Her Royal Highness like that.  Besides, we are just unworthy peasants.  I’ll try to sneak you in tonight and do a story for you on my blog. Miss Meow Meow [...]

Miss Meow Meow’s gentleman friend:  “I really don’t like to be disturbed when I am watching Real Housewives from New York.  Well, if you can excuse me, don’t look!  I am going to scratch you-know-where.  Oh, by the way, Carl, I have a message for you from my darling, Her Royal Highness…” Dear Carl Unworthy [...]

Dear Carl Peasants, Did you know I almost died today?  “Why?” you asked.  I was using my royal bathroom and I had to hold my breath for 5 minutes.  That’s why.  First, what did you put in my food to cause my pooping difficulty?  Second, clean the royal bathroom.  I almost died in there because [...]