Mother:  Your nephew said he wanted me to live until 100 years old.

Me:  Aaawww… How sweet.  He’s a good kid.  He loves you the most.

Mother:  Well, actually, he said that it is because I am doing the laundry for everybody and all the chores around the house.  They feel so comfortable that they don’t need to lift a finger at home.  He even suggested that I do his homework too.

Me:  Too bad I live so far away from you.  Otherwise, you can take care of my stuff too, and in return, I’ll always pray for you to live FOREVER.

Mee2 | sahmrambles.blogspot.com
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And I think your mom would absolutely LOVE a tattoo of you on her arm. Totally.

Hi Mee2,

Thank YOU!!!  I really appreciate your comment.  I just thought giving her a tattoo of my face on her arm was a nice touch as a Mother’s Day gift.  Originally, I was thinking that she put it on her chest.  But then it will be weird because every time she wants to see me, she has to pull down her clothes.  What if she wants to look at me at a bus stop?  Maybe the general public is not ready for this kind of behavior yet, although she is just missing her son and wants to take a look at his adorable face.  Besides, err…, this is probably too much information, her boobies continue to sag.  She is 70 after all.  I am afraid it will change my good looks and make my face look longer every day.  I certainly don’t want to look like a horse or Sarah Jessica Parker.  Either way, it’s the same thing.

Here are my top 5 gift ideas for my dear mom on Mother’s Day:

5.  An inexpensive vacuum cleaner.

My mom doesn’t like fancy stuff.  She certainly doesn’t want me to spend $500 on a Dyson.  So a cheap one will do.  That way she can clean to her heart’s content every day.

4.  Weight Loss Kit for Dummies book.

She’s always concerned about her weight.  I really think this idea will hit the jackpot.  She’ll know what to eat and do every day to lose her belly fat.

3.  A tattoo of my face on her arm.

She will know how much I love her and she gets to look at my cute face every day.  Plus, the tattoo artist told me that she’d give her a free naval piercing too.  I TOTALLY think my 70-year-old mother will look HAWT with the new tattoo and the naval piercing.

2.  Edible panties.

You know, sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and you just need a little something to snack on.  But then you have to drag yourself all the way downstairs and raid the refrigerator.  I think that’s too much for my 70-year-old mother.  She can put on the edible panties before she goes to bed.  When she wakes up in the middle of the night, she never has to get out of the bed at all to find food.  The food is right on her body.

1.  A pregnancy test kit.

Safe sex is always very important no matter how old you are.  But just in case things don’t go as planned.  You know, Mom is getting older and can be forgetful sometimes…

Me:  Mom, why don’t you get a cordless phone?

Mom:  But I like this phone.  I’ve been using it for the past 15 years.  It’s loud and clear.

Me:  If you get a cordless one, you don’t have to put me on hold when you want a cup of tea or a couple of cookies.  You can carry it anywhere and we can still talk.

Mom:  …

Me:  Mom?  Are you there?

Mom:  What a great idea!!!  Then we can talk even when I go to the bathroom.

Me:  Eeewwwww… THAT you should put me on hold.

Mom:  It’s not like you can smell anything.

Me:  Keep the old phone.  You are absolutely right.  It’s loud and clear.  There’s nothing wrong with it.  Keep it.

Mom:  I am freaking out.  There was this huge thing on the monitor last night.  It said that my computer had virus.

Me:  It actually said that your computer had virus?

Mom:  Well, it told me that my computer had virus.

Me:  It told you?  Your computer actually talked to you?

Mom:  No, not my computer.  This HUGE thing did.

Me:  What did this HUGE thing look like?

Mom:  I don’t remember.  Should I turn it on now?

Me:  Yes.  Mother.

… … …

Mom:  Look!  Here it is.

Me:  I can’t see it.  I am thousands of miles away from you.  You have to tell me what you see.

Mom:  Oh!  Hahahahaha…  This little box says that your anti-virus program may not be up-to-date.  Your computer may be at risk.  Click here to …

Me:  That’s not virus.  It’s just a reminder.  Where is this HUGE thing?

Mom:  It’s the little box I just told you about.

Me:  So now it is a little box.   Five minutes ago, it was this humongous monster living inside your computer.  You were about to have a heart attack and people were dying.

Mom:  It just seemed so much bigger last night.