Thanks to my mother.  Because of her stunning discovery, the top 0.5% of the men no longer have to practice unsafe sex. 

Did you know what his mommy does?  Yes, she works at …

Originally appeared on blogiversity.org

Mom:  What should I say to my boss that I want to quit?
Me:  Just tell her that you don’t want to work any more.  Say, “I am 70 years old.  I AM ANCIENT.”
Mom:  I want a FANCY excuse that sounds good.  I don’t want to burn the bridge, you know.
Me:  What bridge?  You work there one […]

Me:  HeRRo.  Mom?  This is your son.
Mother:  Hello?  Hellooo?  Who is this?  Why are you not speaking?
Me:  HeRRo?  It’s your son.
Mother:  Hi, how are you?  What happened?  Why didn’t you say anything?
Me:  I did.  It had to be the internet connection.  I am testing this thing called, Skype.  For ten bucks a month, I can call you […]

My poor mother will be in Cosco in no time to look for the same bra.  And she will test it out to see if she can produce the same effect.

Originally appeared on funnyjunk.com